"Fake" Gay: A Coming Out Story

Geoff Pullum, a statistician reported that "The genius of English is the way it updates itself every day, with 20,000 new words a year". Amazing the power of a creative mind, yet so often people use language in a cruel and unusual way. Words most definitely can be as painful as receiving a physical beating; I cannot count how many times I felt bruised from the inside out, from words said to me.

Recently, someone I loved for almost half my life said to me that I was a "fake gay", a fraud, a "disgrace and disgusting person". She explained in depth and without remorse that individuals that come out later in life or do not say anything prior to entering adolescences cannot claim themselves as being gay.

Apparently, for those of us who were able to verbalize our sexuality as a teenager are much more believable as being gay, and therefore have no choice but be that way. The rest of us, well we choose to be gay either because we hate men, have been abused or have pedophile tendencies (yes, sadly I was told that this is why I am gay!).

Now I know that none of this is true, and I am secure enough in my identity that all this crap means very little to me; however, it still hurts. Mostly because if this was said to me earlier on in my coming out, I may have gone into a major depression, and isolated confused and hurt. But also, because I realized that as much as you love someone and live to your truest intentions, people's ignorance and hatred for what is different will come out, sometimes with a new and degrading label.

"Fake" a term used to describe when something is not real or that it is false. It's true a lot of people were shocked when I came out, as usual I did it in the most awkward and social questionable way. I am not a very eloquent person; in fact, I am the complete opposite when it comes to social situations and people. I began saying things, which suggested that I was in a relationship with a woman, and I sent a mass email out (which I do not suggest in hindsight). So people were shocked, and yes they had questions and doubts.

All I knew for the first time in my life was that I felt free or happy for the first time. All of the energy I had spent reading social cues, doing what was expected, feeling lost, and absolutely confused and avoidant of others had ended. I tried to explain to people that for some individuals the answers are not within our reach, and that coming out is a process. There are things that went on in my head in childhood and adolescences, thoughts and fantasies, which no one could have ever imagined. After all, who are you going to tell when you're in a relationship with a boy, but looking at their sister wondering what it would be like to hold her hand or the "strange" feelings you have for our best friend.

I lost my virginity to a girl when I was still a young teen. I told my mom, who eased my sexual confusion by telling me I was simply experimenting and it was normal. But the next person to ever hear about it again was six years later, when I was drunk. For six years I held that secret inside, I could not tell anyone. I was told that homosexuals all had AIDS, and go straight to hell. I was not about to have my world, my friends think that of me.

Coming out is something that never ends, we are constantly evolving and having to come to an understanding of who we were; what we have become; and where we want to be. I have made many, really millions of mistakes along the way, but my intentions were to live honestly and openly with what I felt inside. Unfortunately, I was not always able to clearly express that to others- I think that makes people feel betrayed because they wonder what was happening in those moments, when we were so quiet.

I do not hate men, I never have, I have never been sexually assaulted, nor do I have any feeling or thoughts of an inappropriate age group of individuals. I am simply a woman who dated men, had a child, and through that journey had a weight on my shoulder I could not explain- had no model to compare it too- and found someone who brought light into a very dark place, and she happened to be a woman.

The intensity of the love that I have with women is not comparable to which I have had with men. I am not dismissing those relationships because I did love them- it is just not the same. I could not imagine not having or being forbidden to have that connection with another woman- it's magical. I am not about to erase my past, it's my past, and the people who were there that made me who I am today- I very open, happy, determine, and still a socially awkward person. I am grateful for my past connections, I was given so much.

Being labeled a "fake" gay has forced me to realize that coming out can hurt our social surroundings, our people, just as much as it is painful for us. I am sure that they are female friends of mine who wonder if I ever looked at them sexually, had any secret crushes, and men who feel betrayed and played. I do not blame them; I would wonder the same things, with the same amount of betrayal. There is just no right procedure to find out who you are Gay, Bi, Trans, or Straight; it's a murky messy journey for all of us.

My only hope is that with the world changing, and our endless attempts to educate others on the difficulties and challenges of coming out, more people will feel safe and find answers without the struggles and betrayal experienced by so many others. Making the world safe for LBTQ people means fewer roads need to be paved with pain, for all of us.

I am a Internationally Certified Drug and Alcohol Counselor that has been trained in Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender LGBT related issues. I write for the Examiner.com as their Lesbian Relationship Expert and am a featured writer on SexGenderBody.com. My intention is to start a movement towards a healthier and more supportive community! Where LGBTs can find one another, learn from each other, and build a stronger support system. I, myself, am on a personal quest in discovery for a healthier gay relationship and self-fulfillment.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://thelesbianguru.com/! Are just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

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