What's Your Biggest Dating Mistake? It's Not What You Think

What's your biggest lesbian dating mistake?

This isn't a trick question. There is no right or wrong answer. There is just your experience. You're here reading this article right now because you're single. You don't really want to be single but here you are. Our natural desire to be a couple and to not be alone can lead us into finding someone to fill the void who isn't a good fit for us. It can mean that we make choices that aren't always in our best interest in the long run.

Let's look at a list of possible big mistakes:

1. You have sex on the first date thinking you'll hook her that way.

2. You lie about something that eventually came out anyway, such as you actually still share space with your ex.

3. You play a movie in your head instead of seeing the reality in front of you. You see yourself married to this woman after one date and then you are heart-broken when she doesn't want to see you again. It was 1 date or maybe 2 or 3 and your "mistake" broke your heart. She never saw herself in the supporting role in the movie in your head.

4. You think she will change to be more like your dream lover and that never happened.

5. You got involved with someone before you are were over your ex-partner thinking a new relationship would help you get over your ex.

6. You think you can change another woman. This might mean getting her to lose weight, change her diet, stop her addiction, start up on your addiction, stop swearing, come out of the closet, change how she dresses or looks, get active and off the couch, and on the list goes.

7. You think you can buy love with your money and in the end she just liked what you could do for her.

8. You think you can hide something about your past.

9. You think someone else will make you happy when no one can make you happy but you, so that's a big mistake.

10. You think life is a romance movie because you can walk around with music surrounding every step you take with your iPod plugged into your ears.

11. You thinking "she is OK for now, I'll tell her later that this thing has to change, it's not important right now but it can wait till later when we are a real couple." Oh yuck!

12. What else are you thinking that could be called less than smart?

We have some bad habits that set us up for making big relationship mistakes. Underneath whatever your big mistake looks like, it's really a single bad habit we have that is the biggest mistake we are making in dating. This bad habit is called compromise yourself at the start. You compromise your truth, values, principles, real needs and absolute must haves to have a relationship that in the end doesn't make you happy and isn't fulfilling. Then you end up alone again.

Let's do an exercise. Look at the definitions of compromise below and get really clear about what this word means from the Merriam Webster Dictionary.

Compromise:

1: a way of reaching agreement in which each person or group gives up something that was wanted in order to end an argument or dispute; the art of political compromise. To avoid an argument, always be ready to seek compromise. For example: Both boys will have to make compromises if they are to share the room. [=they will each have to give up something in order to get along] The two sides were unable to reach a compromise. [=unable to come to an agreement] - a compromise agreement/amendment/verdict/measure

2: something that combines the qualities of two different things; often + between. The style is a happy compromise between formal and informal.

3: a change that makes something worse and that is not done for a good reason. A director who will not tolerate artistic compromise. She says that accepting their proposal would be a compromise of her principles.

When I've compromised early in dating relationships, I didn't think I was doing these things. I didn't think. I was in a trance or in some way unconscious about the consequences. I didn't realize that I was making an agreement or that I was going to eventually make the situation worse than it should have been and my compromise was not done for a good or right reason.

You didn't think this either did you but it is where those compromises took you in the end. You compromised yourself far too early in the dating process and boom it blew up.

Look again at definition #2 and you'll see that compromise isn't a bad thing all the time. It's a good thing when you are in an established relationship and it's done consciously for the well-being of your relationship. When you acknowledge with your girlfriend or partner the need to compromise for the well-being of each other that's a beautiful thing that builds and deepens both trust and love for each other.

When you compromise before you're in a committed relationship, it's not a mutual agreement. It's an exclusive arrangement you've made with yourself and you're going to eventually feel used, disappointed, let down, betrayed and angry. This is not a maybe thing, it's a definite outcome. You know that you did this to yourself right?

Definition #3 states this clearly as an outcome of compromise. You've made a change in your values, principles, and requirements for the wrong reasons and it will eventually backfire.

As women, we are built to be more open to compromise. Or perhaps I should say I am built to be more open to compromise. I've dated other women who are much more set in their ways than myself (a Taurus for example.) It is my natural tendency to be flexible - and sometimes that has cost me. I've thought my ability to be flexible meant I could give up things I valued. I was wrong. So perhaps those less flexible types don't run into this problem as much? You tell me.

What about you? When you think of compromising early into a dating relationship why does that happen?

Definition #1 says that compromise is when an agreement is reached between two parties and both give up something. Wow. Wait a minute. BOTH give up something. When you compromise at the beginning of dating someone, what is she giving up? Who are you compromising with since this is at least a two person process. Perhaps she is making the same mistake you are and compromising early on in the mistaken belief that she will get love and acceptance from you.

Are you getting this? You are doing the same thing. Compromising to get something - love and acceptance, security, significance - before you're even in a real relationship? You're doing this without involving her in the discussion because in your head something about her is going to change eventually right? Some how she's going to give you something back for this compromise but she doesn't know about this little arrangement you've made. Oops...

New thought! If it takes two to compromise and both knowingly give up something but you are doing this on your own it's not a compromise - it's a sacrifice. You are giving something up (you think it's temporary) in order to get something else. That's a sacrifice because "she" didn't ask you to make a compromise on what you want. She wasn't in that conversation in your head. She wasn't in the room in a manner of speaking. You decided this all by your little self. Are you letting your Mini-Me be in charge instead of your Big Girl self?

Apart from making the other big mistake and thinking every date is going to be your next mate for life, it's all the times you've sacrificed yourself early in a relationship that you've gotten yourself into the most trouble.

That trouble is getting hurt and I've had to realize that most times it's my own choices that got me into that tight little dark place in my heart. What about you?

So what did we learn today? Perhaps that compromise is not the same thing as sacrifice and neither should be taking place while in the dating stage of a relationship. It is TOO SOON. Don't do it!

Gay Girl Dating Coach Blog and Website is the #1 resource for lesbians in their 40s, 50s and beyond because your Mama never taught you how to date girls and gay girls are complicated!

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